Ever since that auspicious day in 1886 when the U.S. Government breathed life into the corporation via Santa Clara Co. v. Southern Pacific Railroad (I was 8 years old at the time), granting it personhood, the Government has been doing all it can, as any good parent would, through various military interventions, exported financial theory, and tax breaks, to allow these fragile entities to grow and prosper.
Well, that Government is growing old and feeble, and it’s time for you and I, dear friends, to step up and lend a helping hand. You think that this economic downturn has hit you hard? Think about that person who is perhaps a million times larger than you. It should be obvious that, by virtue of their volume alone, corporate tears contain more anguish than yours or mine. Excuse me… I get choked up when I think about it… Some of my best friends are corporations, you see. Exxon has always been there when I needed to drive out into the night, just to get my head straight; that Nike swoosh has powered me to the basket when I might otherwise have hobbled lamely into the lane….
So, please, give generously to your favorite corporation. Or better still, download my latest offering Hog Futures for free today (despite the fact that it will ask you for a dollar, I believe you can simply not enter an amount, and thus it becomes free). My friend Jonathan Visger (Mason Proper, Absofacto) and I produced it wearing matching Ralph Lauren Polo attire, sipping Coke brand cola, and dining exclusively at the Burger King’s luxury drive-thru. Enjoy this song product for yourself. Share it with those who share our concern for the welfare of corporations everywhere, as it’s important to get this message out there. Of course, if you drop a Washington, Jefferson, or even a Lincoln on it, you will also be helping me to be the best consumer I can be. What could be more important?